So, at the beginning of 2015, I promised some sort of New Year’s update….ringing in the new and casting off the old, or something like that. And, I intended on it, but as always, the time got away from me….life got in the way….things happen. A lot happened. After awhile, it felt like I’d been writing this entry for at least six months, and then I realized I had. And then I backed off…and then it was almost 2016, so I decided to wait. And reflect. And now I have pages of randomly typed thoughts and feelings….semi-sober, deep down, and at times heartfelt/heart wrenching thoughts and feelings. What a ride it’s been……
It started with a race….
I rang in the new year doing the thing I love most….which ended up being my first 50-miler and fourth ultra of 2014. It was fun and tough and boring and great all at once. And, somewhere along the way, I learned that AIDS Marathon friends are some of my best friends. Something that I think I’ve always known, but forget to be thankful for. I also learned that 50 miles on pavement and gravel takes its toll on the human body and ended up staring down a knee injury for most of the year. That was an adventure in and of itself, a nagging, not-that-painful-but-I-know-its-not-normal adventure, requiring rest and PT, and two rounds of prolotherapy and a platelet injection.
Then, life threw me a curve ball…or kicked me in the shins…or both. I thought I knew the trajectory I was meant to be on, but turns out – life had other plans. And, sometimes, as hard as it is, knowing when to let go is just as important as continuing to hold on. I feel like there is so much I could say, but, as I also learned, some things are better left unsaid. Things happened and it wasn’t ok and in my opinion, unforgivable. But, sometimes it’s all about letting go and moving on.
Because, you never know what adventure you’ll find once you do. Right now, I’m still not sure what that is yet. But, I get to figure that out, and I am so excited for that. Sometimes you have to let go of the planned finish line …just like a race. You’ll still get to there, it just might look like Coyote Ride or the North Face in 2014, and be a little different than you imagined.
It continued with a race…
Starting out the year with an injury and a healthy dose of stress was no fun, but I quickly found a way to stay involved with running and started volunteering again. It was something that I’d loved, but had given up in the craziness of work and school. As I got more involved in my free time over the summer, I learned to mark and sweep courses, and drive a giant van up and down some winding roads. I had so much fun exploring new trails and helping other runners…In the absence of all I knew, I found somewhere new to belong and something to focus energy on.
And, not to be out done, the back half of the year had to give the first half a run for its money. Whether I was getting re-acquainted with a certain fashion novel or finding out what happens when slimer gets in a fight with a Toyota Tacoma (nothing good), I began to anxiously await the arrival of 2016. I’m not sure why, something about turing the page, casting off the old, and bringing in the new felt fresh and necessary. Then, when I thought it was over, I had the opportunity to cross driving down the freeway with the flu off my bucket list (also not good). Since it’s not 2016 yet, I suppose I should knock on something…..
It ended with a race….
I plan to end 2015 (and then begin 2016) with the same race I ended 2014 with. Though this time, I’ll be working at it, not running it. Racing for me is on hold until March and then April – the race lottery odds were somehow in my favor and I ‘won’ entrance in to both Way Too Cool and Lake Sonoma, hopefully an omen of good things to come in 2016. I’ve spent the past week and a half (feels like forever) resting, so my silly ankles could heal, my body could get a much needed break, and I can get back at it in the new year. Bring it on lottery of pain, bring it on.
This year is nothing I’d sign up for again, I might dare say it’s been the toughest of my life. But, looking back, I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned and how differently I look at certain things now. The importance of taking things one day at time….celebrating the small victories….forgiving yourself…standing up for yourself. Stopping to smell the roses….climbing up one more hill…taking the long way home. That wine just might be a food group – sometimes it needs to be, and that’s ok. The importance of surrounding yourself with things and people that make you happy. And if you just keep moving, eventually you’ll be moving forward.
And, above all, the biggest thing I learned is that I have a stronger support network than I ever realized and I will forever be grateful. I had listening ears when I needed to talk, advice when I didn’t know what to do (or just needed confirmation), and smiles when all I wanted was to frown. I always had a rock, a safety net, and everything in between. Perhaps that cheesy car commercial has a point – when it’s dark enough, you can see stars.
So, here’s to 2016. Here’s to good times with family and friends. To new adventures and new races. To my continued understanding that everything happens for a reason….and hopefully to understanding what that reason is.